No messages? How is this possible, I think, as I look (teary-eyed) at my online dating profile on Plenty of fish.... I mean - come on - the site reckons there are currently over 15,000 people currently logged on. Am I really that f-ugly that not ONE (note the importance with the capitals again) of these women is interested enough to message me?? Am I really that much of a lost cause?
Well, thinking about my past...
I guess I am...
As I sat there, looking at the blank content on the 'no message' screen, my mind flittered back to my past... in particularly - primary school. Allow me to share....
Ma and Pa (mum and dad to you) - they wanted the best for my brother and I. Admittedly they wanted the best for me, more, because I am their favourite. Can't blame them. I'm amazing (at least, compared to my brother anyway). Truly... a God among men.
Remember from blog number one: I use artistic licence.
So. There they are. Mum and Dad. Looking at School pamphlets, trying to decide upon a suitable place of education for Big Bro and I. They ended up settling on one that wasn't too far from our house - a private school set in a spooky mansion-type building. All very posh. Now, at the time of choosing, I'm sure they didn't mean to send us to a school where the Head Teacher was a kiddy-fiddler...
I just couldn't see them sitting around a stack of books, in front of a roaring fire.... my mother preggers (pregnant) with Son One (brother).
"Ooh, look," I can't see her saying, "this school.... they'd get a well rounded education AND learn about bumming and giving handjobs."
"Well then, my dear," I can't see my old man replying, "let us send them there then!"
Just can't see it.
At the time of schooling - Mr T. (Not THE Mr T from the A-Team) was a stern teacher who took a special fondness to me. He often invited me back to his house (along with his Grandson who was in my class) to watch films (not porn) and get some extra-lessons, whilst going through homework assignments.
He even let me stay the night in the room next to his, whilst his Grandson slept in the same bed as him.
Won't lie. Bath time. Bit Weird. We were both aged ten or eleven and yet he would still come into the bathroom to make sure we were washing (made us share a bath) and behaving ourselves. I can only presume he used the images for his own personal Mental Spank Wank Bank but.... no proof and, I never saw it so.... don't care.
At that age, everything seemed fine.
He was a kind fellow, Mr T. He took me on holidays too - away from ma and pa.... beach holidays where we'd get to sit around in trunks all day or frolic in the sea (after which he would always help to dry us which was great because I could never be bothered to do it properly).
Out of all the teachers I have ever had - he was the best. A proper gentleman. He taught me most of what I know today (how to pick up soap, how to.... no, I'm joking!!) and he made sure my manners were up to scratch. Indeed, it was thanks to him I won 'Gentleman of the Year' award at school.
Fuck knows how that happened! Stupid cunts! All I can think of must have been a fix.
Erm... I mean.... Quite right too for I.... I am a proper gentleman (and don't you forget that, ladies.... I only ever hit you if you are out of line).
With that in mind - I was WELL SHOCKED (hello, Capitals!) when he was outed by The Daily Echo as being a dirty bastard who preyed on little boys. No sooner had one stepped forward, more and more stepped forward too - all with tales of being abused by this 'monster'....
My brother was also shocked too (he had special attention, like me, as well) and even got in touch with the Pig (Police Officer) in charge of the case to say none of it could be true.... Turns out it could be true because Mr T stepped up to the Judge (Judy) and pleaded 'Guilty'.
He's dead now.
Died in prison. Heart attack. I wonder, was it a heart attack brought on from all the naked men butts in the showers? Did he suddenly shout 'Phrooooooaarrrrrrr' and drop to the floor dead....?
Anyway.... back to present day; looking at the 'no messages' message I have (technically a message, right?) I can't help but think there is no hope for me. I'll never find someone to love me.....
There must be something seriously wrong with me if I can't even get laid by a Monster.
Talk about Mr Unpopular.